Soliloquy 1

I have been trying to finish it (do away with my fear) in one go. It will never work out this way.

Will this fear ever go? Where is this question coming from?

What is it that I am missing? I see that my fear goes if I get to hear that a path that will solve this problem of fear. 

I get a feeling that it can be solved, because hearing about a path, the fear subsides.

Am I looking for a path?

Or if I do it everyday, it will not come. But I have to do it everyday. 

But what do I do? Can I decide that?

Worship Kali. I have to do it till I am alive.

The more I am giving myself a path the fear is going away – am I seeking a path?

A path but not a result and a timeline.

But one thing I know, the path should not end.

Or It is indefinite. One day it will go, but I do not know when. 

Or if I keep worshipping, trouble will be gone – one day they will all be clear.

But how many days it will take is unknown. But it is bound to go away.

Is this a way of surrender?

There should be no end to it. If the number of days are counted, one would expect results.And I know it will not work out for me. 

The fear is because I am not surrendering. Or I have surrendered but my actions are not commensurate with it. My actions must also change with this. Somehow I have been holding this. This is not happening. 

Surrender is when you see yourself as vulnerable, alone and seek support. Surrender is when you ask but you do not know when it will be given. You keep asking as without it, it is very difficult to live. 

I have been doing it, but I quit as I want to finish it on the same day using my mind. That is why it has not worked out. 

After getting this path, I am feeling better. But I know that the moment I put a timeline, things will fall apart.

I have to wait for Kali Mata to bless me and when she will, I do not know. 

The awareness is personified but not a person

There are two entities. One, the awareness and two, the physical body. I am the awareness. What I address as “I” is the awareness.

After my enlightenment, I was afraid. If I am only the “awareness” of my own emptiness – then the question comes “Who is afraid?”. I could not answer this question for a long time until today. 

Today I realized that this awareness is personified and it is a revolution. It has an “I”. But this awareness is not the physical body. 

The awareness is personified but not a person.

I, the awareness, is/was afraid of its own emptiness – of the emptiness and not of another “mass” as the awareness is massless.

I am the “awareness”. I have become aware of my own emptiness. But I am not the physical body. I know that I am empty, devoid of mass, and hence I am afraid.

The “I”  (the awareness) is expressing itself through the physical body. My physical body and actions are an expression of the “I”.

The physical body is a tool or the “I” (awareness). The awareness interacts with the world with the help of the physical body. The awareness gets is plan accomplished with the help of the physical body.

I am aware of the “I”, I know I am the “I”, but others see me as the physical body. They do not know the “I”.

So, what I think of myself as, and what others think of me are very different.

Whatever is, is.

Whatever is here and now, is. There is no question about it. Whatever is not, cannot be brought in.

My desire is a ghost

My desire is no longer in my body. Now, like a ghost, it picks up any male body to express itself.

It is as if my soul is looking for a physical existance to express itsel

She is also an expression of my desire.

Now I am free from my desire.

In my dream, I saw her wearing my clothes

She came along with the wind & took away all the potential I had, leaving behind only the physical body and leaving me completely exposed and vulnerable.

Then one day, in my dream I saw her wearing my clothes.

Then now in my thoughts, I see her having everything that I had, including the potential to love. Except the physical body, she is everything but me.

If you want to see me, go meet her.

Hands of the clock have been removed

It has become almost impossible for me to do anything. This is because the consciousness has become one unlike earlier when it was like a hand of a clock and it now does not move from one subject to another to comply with the passage of time. The hands have been removed from the clock.

I cannot work, do or complete anything now as I am no longer bound by time.

I have completely lost my potential

At enlightenment my complete potential was taken away. It was placed on another, my potential was placed on another, I still do not know who.

Now there is no potential in me. I am just the human body. The body can now not be felt either as it is also in the present.

Without potential or ability to do anything at all, there is fear. There is fear because it seems I will not be able to do anything if things go wrong.

As I have no potential now, everyone looks powerful and successful and feel (rather I know) I can never beat them.

I feel I am at the bottom.

Whatever I have is being taken away

Whatever I am is being continously taken away.

If I connect with her, she takes away what I have leaving me comepletely exposed.

If I am with another person, he takes her away as she was with me.

Whatever, I am completely stripped off everything.

I am non-dual

What I am observing is that all my attempts to be dual is being thwarted. I have outgrown duality and have become non-dual.

The Ego cannot surrender, it needs to be defeated

The Ego or the “Self” cannot surrender .. it is not meant to die..but to survive at any cost… if we (the ego is no one but us) try to surrender it will split it into two… one part will surrender and the other will take pride in it… 

The ego or self needs to be defeated so that there is no question of any surrender. Surrender (also in a real battle or war) is a method to escape defeat… one says “we surrendered” (not defeated)…  the ego (or we) need(s) to be defeated to such an extent that it can never come back…this point is freedom…

Surrender is a “self” act. It cannot lead to complete freedom… for complete freedom, we need another.. and this is the starting point of “Duality”. Once we become dual – we will experience oneness simultaneously …

We all must strive to become Buddhas. We either remain who we are and suffer or become buddhas and escape…